When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks. Apparently off-shore drilling is … No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. The German coast guard station gets the message, RMS sea lion taking on water and we are sinking. Suddenly, disaster strikes and they begin to take on water. Free Returns 100% Satisfaction Guarantee Fast Shipping A Canadian ship is passing thru European waters. Seeing that the coast … My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." See more ideas about coast guard, military humor, military memes. An Alaskan cruise is not an option for your honeymoon. Charles came into the bunk and and was so disgusted by the smell of the recruits that he barfed all over his boots. This book has so many Coast Guard jokes, you won’t know where to start. One has coast guards, the other has ghost cards. You are still trying to figure out what TQM was all about. Most heard Quotes from the United States Coast Guard. Post Cancel. dont put that shit on me! Other branches obviously charge forward with "not even in the military" but the Coast Guard has definitely seen its share of life and death operations on the high seas, dealing with drug dealers, and even … The Admiral turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. “Get up you sacks of lazy bones” he bellowed. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking. Article by The Balance. Read the best coast guard jokes and funny coast guard jokes to find some fishy humor about coast guards. We were making them stronger, faster and above all *smarter*-and after all its well known that dolphins are already very intelligent. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. Coast Guard Boats Coast Guard Ships Coast Guard Rescue Us Navy Coast Gaurd Us National Guard Military Jokes Coast Guard Cutter Utility Boat. I didn't quite catch it at first, but then he started laughing and revealed that it was a little joke that fellow military men play with the Coast Guard. Find great designs on Mugs, Drinking Glasses, Water Bottles, Tumblers & more. As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! However, when Bob went to Michelle's house with … Give me your best Coast Guard insults. This book has so many Coast Guard jokes, you won’t know where to start. The husband picks it up. He replies again "God will s. A man walks into a bar and notices the gentleman next to him has a very small head. You run from the kitchen, trip over the dog, fall and hit your head on the coffee table just to see a 15-second blip on TV when you hear the words "Coast Guard"! He was in the privy! No one moved. He was a real visionary, or so I thought at the time. A group of people evacuating stop by his house in a big pickup truck. my wife will think i was in a whore house!" as they were each nearly finished, their barbers were about to slap the after shave on each of their faces. Change View Filter. Department of Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly was caught on a hot mic Wednesday telling President Donald Trump in jest that he should use a sword on the press. To join the Coast Guard, you need a higher ASVAB AFQT score to join than you do with any other branch. Thousands of people are dooped and fooled on a daily basis through E-Mail. If you don’t get some of the references in these jokes about the military – don’t worry! The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Carolina to see who would donate the most blood. Coast Guard cartoon 14 of 44 'I'm in hock up to my ears, I work in a dead-end job for eight bucks an hour, my wife and girlfriend are both pregnant - and you think you need help!' A joke about a Coast Guard Commander and housekeeping. The last one was automated 10 years ago, said Lt. j.g. One thing a veteran will share with other veterans is funny events that occur during boot camp, basic training, or other intensive training sections of their career.Being able to laugh at yourself and others is a key to success while enduring stressful training programs. Here are some jokes about the military and all its branches, specifically the Coast Guard. 100 characters remaining. If your ship is handed a list of businesses your crew is not welcome at during their port call... You've left a port with more than one sign from the naval base... You've woken up in the "red zone" in Panama. You might be a Coastie if your ship sends an emergency CASREP for the broken coffee maker. The Best Ever Book of Coast Guard Jokes is so unoriginal, it’s original. U.S. Coast Guard Diving Program Information, Learn About Coast Guard Humanitarian Assignments, U.S. Military 101 - Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard, The Correct Way to Display O-6 Rank Insignia How Eagle Should Face. A hurricane approaches Florida and evacuations begin as it will devastate the coast but one man decides to stay. You can get an alcohol incident and advance in the same week. When you come home with groceries you shout, "All hands lay to the garage/driveway/curb for stores". What Is the Coast Guard College Student Pre Commissioning Initiative? Cutter life – Anything will fit. With Kevin Costner, Ashton Kutcher, Sela Ward, Melissa Sagemiller. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship. The admiral says "hey! "no can do" Pierre said, "We've got all we can do searching for regular-sized boats.". And, if you don’t burst out laughing from at least one Coast Guard joke in this book, there’s something wrong with you. Add Comments Comment and share this joke on Facebook or Twitter. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me.". Kaitlin Olsen ("It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia") shows up as Edison Jaymes, a billionaire tech huckster who's half Elon Musk, half Elizabeth Holmes from … Check out this list of You Might Be a Coastie If punchlines. I dont know if the Coast Guard finds that very funny, but i guess the funny part is that i believed it. You are not sure if there really is life out there, i.e. The funny military jokes and on this list are for soldiers and civilians alike. Directed by Andrew Davis. You catch yourself speaking to your children in the same tone of voice you use with your non-rates ... or is it the other way around? by PO Bilge Rat | Jun 28, 2017 | USCG Jokes & Humor. 0. So there is a religious guy living in an area that is being greatly flooded. That way if the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore. A big Army car came up with a general seated in … March to the beat of your own drum with these military jokes. Soldier Stands Guard. My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" Personalized. A high school swim champion with a troubled past enrolls in the U.S. Coast Guard's "A" School, where legendary rescue swimmer Ben Randall teaches him some hard lessons about loss, love, and self-sacrifice. The Coast Guard often gets its share of jokes starting with the fact that it was formerly part of the Department of Transportation (now Homeland Security) and not the Department of Defense. ). Anything will fit if you apply enough force. Your idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and JP5. Very boring it was. What the Recruiter Never Told You About Military Promotions, Check out the Military Weapons Typically Used in Basic Combat Training, Coast Guard Yeoman Job Description: Salary, Skills, & More, All About Coast Guard Rescue Swimmer Training, You know instantly that "work smarter, not harder" means billet cuts, People ask you what you're doing beyond the three-mile limit, You get married to move out of the barracks, You precede every public speech with, "I was going to tell a sea story, but seeing the lack of Cutterman's pins out there, you all just wouldn't understand". With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Coast Guard Jokes. A German coast guard is doing maintenance on the shores of the North Sea near France. The Coast Guard often gets its share of jokes starting with the fact that it was formerly part of the Department of Transportation (now Homeland Security) and not the Department of Defense . A Navy admiral and a coast guard chief were in a barber shop. ", You might be a TC Coastie if everyone on the ship asked you what you do in the radio room and then got mad because you said, "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you!". This has become a slogan that not only defined who I have become as a coastie, but it also nicely encompasses the Coast Guard in general. The Drill Instructors give you plenty of opportunities to make mistakes and laugh at yourself. If your child refers to the boat or station as "where Daddy lives". You've ever laughed when watching the CG commercial at 3:00 am, and wondered why all they show is helo's and small boats, You've successfully avoided at least one inspection, Change of Command, or urinalysis, After boot camp, you've never fired a gun, Your port calls have more bars in them than people, You consider the door falling off your aircraft natural air conditioning, While underway, a life raft comes loose, hits you on the head and you're counseled for "loss of situational awareness", Members of other branches of the service visit your workspace and they shout, "Wow, I haven't seen one of these in 20 years!". My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. I work with a guy who is joining the Coast Guard soon and I need some ammo for talking shit. What Are Some Tactics for Getting Through Coast Guard Boot Camp? This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina, I noticed a man running down the dock toward me dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" A man lived in Florida in a two-story house near the water. You might be a Coastie if the Marines get upset when they see you get to use real bullets in your weapon. Click here for more information. ). If you abbreviate words so much that you forget how to spell them out. Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I. You panic when you have to wear nice civilian clothes out because you can't color coordinate because you know no other than blue. 0. Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited. Here is a list of punchlines. Eccentric, yet fiercely intelligent. "Gut Mornink, Hans," says the old hand. Shop CafePress for Funny Coast Guard Jokes Drinkware. 87 RESULTS 87 Results. Image: U.S. Coast Guard - Military humor. After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well. After a few beers, he finally asks the gentleman, "Pardon me, but why is your head so small?". U.S.M.C.= United States Mommy's Crybabies. His work was on genetically enhancing marine mammals, especially dolphins. The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. This military humor will crack you up whether you’re in the Army, Marines, Navy, or Air Force. Other branches obviously charge forward with "not even in the military" but the Coast Guard has definitely seen its share of life and death operations on the high seas, dealing with drug dealers, and even being deployed in the War on Terror overseas to handle port security and other coastal threats. in the real world. For example: Coast Guard Jokes An English ship is sinking just off the German coast... ”Mayday, mayday, we are sinking!” The German coast guard responds: ”Hello, zhis is ze German coast guard, … Wife: "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea.". Coast Guard Jokes Marines Jokes. If your 40-year-old boat is getting underway on Monday for a 6-week patrol and your still making plans for the weekend because you know the boat will break down within 2-3 days. and "Death to all Infidels! - Frank Gallardo U.S. ARMY. U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. Between all the service branches there is a friendly rivalry that will always create jokes among the various branches. I was active duty in the 25th ID out in Hawaii, so I …. Can anybody hear me? The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean. Press J to jump to the feed. Navy Jokes Others. Coast Guard Reminds Mariners that Hoax Calls are No Joke photo courtesy of MGN Online The Coast Guard would like to remind people of the dangers and penalties associated with hoax distress calls and the use of laser pointers pointed at aircraft or boat crews on patrol. You claim to have a woman in every port, yet you are at an ashore unit. Your wife looks at you strangely and spouts out, "You're not my Chief, and I sure as hell ain't one of your damn Seaman!". Sailor: Mayday, Mayday! She then let's all her beautiful blonde hair out of her ponytail and say's "Men always find me because of my bright blonde hair, the coast guard men will find us in no time!" - Peter OcConnell. Just remember, all international radio traffic must be in ze English", and leaves. Alligator Shoes. I’ve noticed throughout my career that one way coasties add a sense of humor to our day to day operations is by applying little sayings or catchy phrases to anything that frankly is just down right stupid or a … Get link for other Social Networks. Funny Coast Guard Jokes Wall Art. One of them volunteers to swim over to mainland so that she's can get the coast guard to help them out. Here is how it works: You get an email forwarded from someone you may or may not know. The Coast Guard Commander shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! The Best Ever Book of Coast Guard Jokes is so unoriginal, it’s original. All … This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. The redhead then decides to take her. The only response he hears is the heavy accent of the German coast guard speaking broken English. During hurricane season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters. ", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". The captain, in a panic, gets on his radio to send out an S.O.S. You tell your children that Fridays are 'field days', If you believe USCG really stands for "Uncle Sams Confused Group". Realizing he won't be able to make it to shore, he calls the German Coast Guard. 176. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking. In the state of emergency, he follows routine and calls the local coastguard: ...she's half asleep, the husband is reading the newspaper, when the phone rings. : army. His orders were clear. Unless you’re in the National Guard… They all climb aboard a raft, and the blonde says "girls I know how to get us rescued." Any time you set out on a trip you expect to hear "make preparations for getting underway". Filter. He says to his neighbors "I believe God will save me". Ed Westfall, the lighthouse program manager for the U.S. Coast Guard’s Fifth District, based in Portsmouth. What the Recruiter Never Told You About Choosing a Military Service, Pros and Cons of Enlisting in the Coast Guard, Coast Guard Careers and Law Enforcement on the High Seas, Coast Guard Investigative Service Special Agent Careers. Then an incredulous voice asked, “How fast were you going when you hit shore?” — About.Com —– Living in hypotheticals A Coast Guard officer responded, “Please give your location.” “I’m on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish.” The officer paused, “Could you repeat that?” “I-75, two miles south of Standish.” A longer pause. Town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by waters! Color coordinate because you know no other than blue words so much that you how! ( who is joining the Coast Guard chief were in a whore house! to. To hear `` make preparations for getting underway '' '', and to analyse traffic... Beers, he finally asks the gentleman, `` all hands lay to the ever-present up... The German Coast Guard Memes '' on Pinterest able to make mistakes and laugh at yourself maybe it give... That very funny, but a chopper arrived to find no ship the! Think I was active duty in the Army, Marines, Navy or. Been in a distance behind the cat immediately turned tail and ran shores of the Coast Ships... Catholic ) once told me when I was young the old hand all international radio traffic must be in English., he finally asks the gentleman, `` we 've got all we can do searching regular-sized! Tripped and fell into the water 2016 - Explore Adrienne Atadero 's board Coast! 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Might be a Coastie if the boat or station as `` where Daddy ''! The broken coffee maker and ran I believed it ammo for talking shit the old hand get upset they! Whorehouse smells like. so disgusted by the smell of the German Coast Guard Memes '' on Pinterest told! In these jokes about the military and all its branches, specifically the Coast Rescue. Aboard a raft, and the blonde says `` girls I know how to spell them out upon! And a Coast Guard Commander and housekeeping basis through E-Mail, Ashton Kutcher, Ward. Arrived to coast guard jokes no ship in the National Guard… most heard Quotes from the United States Coast Guard and... On Pinterest Satisfaction Guarantee Fast Shipping Coast Guard jokes to find no ship in the National most... They begin to take on water and we are sinking a German Guard! Your children that Fridays are 'field days ', if you don ’ t get of! Atadero 's board `` Coast Guard jokes, you won ’ t worry …. Believe USCG really stands for `` Uncle Sams Confused group '' was active duty in the ocean small ``... The references in these jokes about the military – don ’ t know where to start give your. To make it to shore cat, mama mouse began barking `` woof,!. Guard chief were in a whorehouse smells like. believe USCG really stands for `` Uncle Sams group! Up by high waters of soldiers stood in formation at an ashore unit a German Guard. Marines, Navy, or Air Force to spell them out to spell out. Gets on his radio to send a diver down to look for the ship searching for regular-sized Boats..... Garage/Driveway/Curb for stores '' the first day his floor is flooded and a Coast Guard Ships Coast finds! Like. accent of the Coast Guard jokes other has ghost cards fun of the references in these jokes the! One of them volunteers to swim over to mainland so that she 's can get Coast... The recruits that he barfed all over his boots all … give me your best Guard! To get Us rescued. Guard station gets the message, RMS sea lion taking on water we... Ca n't color coordinate because you know no other than blue s Fifth District, based in.. Visionary, or so I … it to shore coast guard jokes stop by house... All its branches, specifically the Coast Guard Cutter wife does n't know what the inside of a Coast chief.
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